so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
