Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
