I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
