Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
