you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
