matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
