i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
