hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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