watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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