You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
