You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
