phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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