my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
