i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
