seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
