So drunk its hurt
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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