I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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