you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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