Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
