I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
