Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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