I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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