Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
