It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
