I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
