Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
