Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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