The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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