tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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