Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
