At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
