Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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