Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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