I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
