The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
