also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
