his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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