Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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