So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
