My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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