cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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