Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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