i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
