Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
