just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
