I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
