Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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