What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
