walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
