then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
