He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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