Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
