he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
